The Sloppy Five: July 2021

Hockey’s gone, Olympics are on. July has come and went. Let’s take a look at the month that was, and some bad jokes to go with it. 

 

Unfortunate news hitting as we closed out the month. Dusty Hill of ZZ Top passed away Wednesday at 72. And, Bob Odenkirk was hospitalized after collapsing on set of ‘Better Call Saul’. Bob is OK, since stating it was a ‘small heart attack’, looks like he’s on the rebound.

 

A big story this month was billionaires going to space. Couldn’t care less, though I’ll take Jeff Bezos’ flight date of the 20th a little deliberate. July 20th 1969 being the day Neil Armstrong became the first person to walk on the moon. -‘First Man’ with Ryan Goseling, is a great flick to check out, btw-. In Jeff’s case, it was one small ego trip for a billionaire, one giant boo from mankind.

 

Also in space news, the Hubble Telescope has quit working. Early word is NASA plans to rename it the Deadbeat Lazy Brother-in-Lawscope.

 

Olympics in Tokyo are on, and following a bronze with her team in the 4x100m medley race Penny Oleksiak is now the most decorated Canadian Olympian of all time. A nice highlight for Canada always feels like we are the forever fourth place country. 

 

Singer-songwriter Pink offered to pay fines handed out to the Norwegian women's beach handball team at the Olympics. This following the Norwegian team refusing to wear bikini bottoms, and opting for short while competing. Ironically?, they were concerned with showing too much pink.

 

Also in Tokyo, a hotel is apologizing and taking down the signs they had on their elevators. They had labeled one "Japanese only" and the others, "Foreigners only." Shoulda seen the escalators, ‘walk like proud Japanese Samurai on the left’, ‘stand like a filthy fat American on the right’.

 

Congratulations in order to the Tampa Bay Lightning, winning the Stanley Cup over the Montreal Canadiens. Short to follow a welcome to the NHL’s new team the Seattle Kraken. The Seattle expansion draft went, and was kinda odd, as more news and storylines surrounded who they didn’t take over who they did. 

 

Some interesting dates through our July. On the 22nd, in 1915 Sir Sanford Fleming died at the age of 88. He’s the guy who came up with the notion for time zones. Heard he died at 8pm, 8:30 in Newfoundland.

 

Gone 40 years, and still the guy with more balls than anyone, Terry Fox was born on the 29th, in 1958. 

 

Other birthdays from the month include:

Burt Ward turning 76, holy oldness!!

Also 76 is Jim Davis the creator of Garfield comics. The perfect time to introduce yourself to Garfield minus Garfield  https://garfieldminusgarfield.net/  …do it!

Cheech Marin is 75. His long life secret? The old adage ‘a bong hit a day…’

His next Rocky will be 2 hours in a rocking chair, Sylvester Stallone is also 75.

As too, Linda Ronstadt: The “Plow King” song with her and Barney on the Simpsons a definite career highlight!…I also argue the episodes ‘Tony Plow” line may be the greatest joke EVER written. Someday I’ll do a painfully long post explaining why….You’ve been warned.

 

And on July 15th 1988, the very first "Die Hard" movie hit theaters. Die Hard is considered a Christmas movie by many now, right?. So new theory, is this how the whole Christmas in July thing started?!

 

Seems there’s been long debate about the words in Bruce Springsteen's 1975 song, "Thunder Road." Is it, "Mary's dress sways" or "Mary's dress waves.?" Springsteen's manager has settled it, stating it's "sways."        Ok, now do ‘Blinded by the light’ (Springsteen did the original) “revved up/ wrapped up like a” what?

 

The labels on Campbell's soup cans are getting their first redesign in about 50 years. Andy Warhol copycats the line starts to the left

 

Whitney Houston's hologram is going to have a Las Vegas residency this fall. Hardest part, how to make cocaine look realistic as a hologram

 

Curtis Sliwa says, if he's elected Mayor of New York City, he'll make it so people received $1,000 to help with expenses when they adopt a dog from a shelter. Cat adopters, go f*&k yourselves.

 

American Airlines is warning of possible fuel shortages in the future. Carry-ons will now be 5 gallon gas cans.

 

Oscar Mayer might sell hot dog buns in limited-edition packs of two, addressing the disparity between buns' 8-packs and hot dogs' usual 10-packs. Forget ‘first world problems’, we are eeking into ‘first world miracles’ territory now. Remember, you heard the term here first!

 

In India, 18 people were killed when a lightning strike hit a clock tower. Then Marty disappeared in a Delorean and ended up in 1985!

 

In Michigan, a man began digging in his backyard and came across a bowling ball. He kept digging, more bowling balls. 158 so far, perhaps stumbling upon an ancient dinosaur bowling alley? Maybe the one on the Flintstones. Or, are they Nibbler poops from the Future?...whoa!

 

Finally, not wanted, yet, I gotta put them somewhere. Here’s some bad COVID jokes: 

 

COVID has certainly affected the Olympics, including Tennis star Coco Gauff having had to drop out after testing positive. So Coco now a Covo, no show.

 

Jewelers saw a huge spike in engagement ring sales in April and May, as people saw the end of the pandemic coming…flip side, everyone divorcing after the pandemic, time to cash in on your rings! 

 

And on this note, if we get through this whole pandemic thing, researchers are saying by the year 2100, humans could have a life expectancy of between 125 and 132 years. Married folks, just imagine all those years of nagging.

- Gilmore

The SLOPPY FIVE: June 2021

(As with May, try to ignore the crummy line spacing and font size issues. Thanks, Enjoy!)

The greatest 40th birthday of all time, an even better Trivial Pursuit fact, Gary Busey, the end of a late-night TV era, and so much more. Put on a Grungy tune, it’s time to look back at the June that was. And, some bad jokes to go with it. 

 

So right outta the gate, Happy Canada Day to all, whether you are catching this just before, on the day, or after. And, we might as well start with some Canadian fun facts: 

In June 2007 the CBC announced Canada’s seven wonders. They are: 

-Niagara Falls….. 

-Pier 21… 

-The Rockies…. 

-The Igloo….. 

-The Canoe…. 

-Old Quebec City 

-Prairie Skies…. Not sure about you, I have NEVER heard of Pier 21, had to look it up. More reasons why my school history classes sucked. (We’ll save the Canadian history gaps to really make my blood boil for another time) 

 

As Canada hits 154 years old, here’s a few celebrity b-days from the month: 

 

Jerry Mathers, Beaver from Leave It To Beaver, if you need the refresh, is 73. Is ‘Ward I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night’ still the worst thing ever said on TV?! 

 

SNL alum Dana Carvey hit 66. Party On Dana! 

 

If you ever needed a reason to rewatch episodes of “Titus”, Stacy Keach is now 80. 

 

Adding to the US celebration, Clint Eastwood turned 91 on their Memorial Day. 

 

Gary Busey is still being Gary Busey, and now 77. To see Gary at his finest, visit Youtube for some ‘I’m with Busey” clips….Warning, if you’ve never heard of this show, it’ll be the first day of the rest of your life :-P 

 

And finally, June 2021 brought us the greatest 40th Birthday of all time!: 

 

 

 

Moving on, with June so too arrived the Atlantic Hurricane Season, and, golfing season for the Leafs. Didn’t think I’d ignore this trainwreck did ya? They always find a way to lose, don’t they. Shittiest superpower ever. 

 

Crazy weather hitting lately too, with heat records getting smashed the end of the month. Notably in Seattle, hotels are at capacity as locals escape their homes with no air conditioning. With all that heat and humidity, I’m betting they were feeling a little grungy. ….Still say ‘Seattle Grunge’ would have been an awesome name for the new NHL team. 

 

Mattel has released a Barbie made from recycled ocean-bound plastic, backed by a campaign themed "The Future of Pink is Green." Also the title of the most viewed environmental themed video on PornHub.   

 

Interesting Canadian internet tidbit, in June 2008, Beautifulpeople.net launched in Canada. A web community for attractive people with a strict ban on ugliness. I checked, not a single person from Keswick, Ontario is on the site…..Send your hate email to _____. Oh, who am I kidding, no one from Keswick is smart enough to use a computer anyway ;-). 

 

A Pennsylvania parole board denied convicted sex predator Bill Cosby's bid to be released from prison earlier this month, as he refused to complete a therapy program for violent sexual offenders.  Boy this gritty Cosby Show reboot has some wild episode plots! After the ruling, Bill was upset, the parole board: having a coke and a smile. 

 

France is sending a second Statue of Liberty to the US in time for their 4th of July celebrations. A smaller one, 1/16th the size of the original. It will be erected on Ellis Island, just across the water from the original. My suggestions if they hold a nickname contest: Little Liberty, The Little Lady, Mini-She, Tattoo, Lady Devito.

 

And, Nurse & Teacher are the two professions tied as "more stressful than any other." If you know someone who teaches nurses, give them a hug. I’d also argue someone trying to come up with a decent joke for this, might edge in on the stressful meter. 

 

 

Some June news quick hits for you: 

Serena Williams has announced she will not be taking part in the Summer Games in Tokyo. A pile of people just won some free Krusty Burgers this summer. 

 

Coming in at 4,368 episodes, Conan O'Brien wrapped his late-night TV run. The final episode of Conan went last week, with Jack Black as the final guest. To refresh your memory, Conan started in 1993 when he took over ‘Late Night’ from David Letterman. ---Conspiracy theorists, this is your messed up Conan’s run = Montreal Canadiens chance again of winning the Stanley Cup starting point— Anywho, no set plan yet, though Conan will be back streaming a new weekly variety show for HBO Max. 

 

New research shows using a slow Internet connection at home or work will increase your heart rate and stress level. Is this set to become the latest millennial exercise trend? 

 

Pete Davidson says he has no idea if he'll be back on "Saturday Night Live" this fall. Let’s hope so, the world needs it’s Staten Island updates. Side note: I checked, no one from Staten Island is on beautifulpeople.net either. 

 

A Florida company is planning to fly passengers to the edge of space in a high-tech version of a hot air balloon. Flights start in 2024, tickets, $125 grand a pop. Zeppelins back and popular again, cool, going to space in one, cool, this idea coming from Florida…hard pass. 

 

 

Some June History tidbits: 

Cue the “I remember where I was-es” June 25th 2009, Michael Jackson died. 50 years old, Jackson had a heart attack at home, then rushed to hospital. Personally, I was doing talky-songy on the radio the afternoon it all went down. The news came fast, the whole story unfolding from nothing in just a few hours. 

 

June 1st 2010 Chris Haney, the co-creator of Trivial Pursuit died at the age of 59. Chris also Canadian, so this is a top notch Trivial Pursuit, and Canada Day, type fact right there. 

 

Here’s another, the first Superman comic hit stands in June 1938. Cue the Joe Shuster Canadian Heritage moment. 

 

And a wonderful annual event, June 10th was national Iced Tea Day. You know, not too many rappers have a day just for them, good for him!...-ba dum tss! 

 

 

Finally, not wanted, yet, I gotta put them somewhere. Here’s some bad COVID jokes: 

 

In June 2004 Toronto Rocks: SARS-Stock…came out on a double DVD featuring highlights from the concert in Toronto including 6 songs from the Stones set. Which anyone who remembers it, they will skip over to watch the AC/DC performance, they blew the doors off the place! 

 

Meanwhile, Cuba has unveiled their very own COVID-19 vaccine. Best one yet, too!, smoke a cigar dipped in rum. 

 

In 1997 Mike Tyson was disqualified after three rounds of their heavyweight title fight for biting Evander Holyfield's ear. So if hugging is still a distant thought, what COVID stage do we need to reach for this stuff again? 

 

Headline: ‘Van Halen’s tour plans wrecked by COVID’…More like COVID’s tour plans wrecked by Van Halen. 

 

Filming on "Mission Impossible 7" has been shut down again due to a COVID outbreak. Tom Cruise is said to be livid. 

 

Finally, if Canada day fireworks suck(ed) this year, blame COVID. Seems it has caused a fireworks shortage too. 

 

 

- Gilmore

THE SLOPPY FIVE: May 2021

(Side note: Still having line spacing, and font size issues. Rather then my computer going out a f&%$ing window, we're just gonna go with how this sits now. Deal?)... Anywho, deep breath. Ok, as you were:

 

A billionaire hosted SNL, a billionaire announced a divorce, and thanks to pandemic, this year, billions disappointed Mom on Mother’s Day from the comfort of their own home. We may or may not see another May like this one. Let’s take a look at the month that was. And some bad jokes to go with it. 

 

Well, let’s dive in with the big one, Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced after 27 years of marriage. Yep, a year of isolation together got to them too. 

 

Although very amicable, a legal firm has been hired to help lead the $130 billion dollar divorce. Biggest point of contention: who gets the Windows 95 sound effect. 

 

And above all, 27 years on, we just gotta dust off this Bill & Melinda gates SNL classic: 

How did Melinda describe their wedding night?....Microsoft.

Yes, my brain instantly remembered this one, yet, I couldn’t tell you what I had for lunch yesterday. 

 

Ok, moving on….   

A bunch of space stuff happened this month too. Star Wars Day (May the 4th be with you), and less popular Revenge of the 5th, came and went. So that craps over for another year. 

 

It was announced a bottle of wine which spent 14 months on the Space Station is going up for auction, and, is expected to fetch at least $1 million dollars. What pairs best with space wine?, some of the cheese the moon is made of, of course. duh…. 

 

NASA says they've picked up radio waves coming from the planet Venus, adding, they haven't deciphered everything yet. Going with the ‘Women are from Venus’ thing, odds are it’s a message saying it’s upset, and we should know the reason why. 

 

In sports and entertainment, five people were arrested in the kidnapping of Lady Gaga's dog. Three have been charged with attempted murder and robbery, two with being accessories. The Scooby Doo gang are pleading they honestly thought the dog was Scrappy Doo, and he was simply lost. 

 

Broadway's Tony Awards, delayed by the pandemic, are now set for September. The Luigi Awards, will go as usually scheduled. 

 

ABC gave us word a "Wonder Years" reboot is coming this fall. Just imagine, going back to a time before cellphones and millennials, sounds wonderful indeed. 

 

As the month wound down, Joe West set a Major League Baseball record by umpiring his 5,376th regular-season game. This broke the old record going back to 1941. What can you say, it took a lotta balls to pull off a career like that. -ba-dum-tss!! 

 

Mike Nesmith and Mickey Dolenz, the two surviving members of The Monkees, are going to launch a farewell tour. Beginning this September, they are going under the new name "The Desperate for Monies" 

 

Food news, a trend picking up steam these days: pouring packets of ranch dressing mix into a jar of dill pickles. Read about more great recipe ideas like this in my coming book “Cooking ideas you get while Drunk” 

 

Burger King is bringing back crown-shaped chicken nuggets after a 10-year absence. The tricky part has been getting crowns on the chickens they are raising. 

 

Your interesting history tidbits for May. 

May 12th 1870, Manitoba became a Canadian province. Their provincial bird 'the mosquito' was introduced the next day, as well, the start of their Simpsons-esque Springfield/Shelbyville feud with Northwestern Ontario. 

...giving us this fantastic tie in:  If he was real, May 12th would have been Homer Simpson’s 70th birthday, show facts say he was born in 1951. 

 

May 19th 1926, Thomas Edison spoke on the radio for the first time. What did he say?: “Tesla Sucks!!” “Baba Booey” “FHRITP”     Pick your favourite, and email complaints about your least favourite to:  _________

 

And, in 2001 Fruit of the Loom closed its only Canadian plant. Think we can all agree their time in Canada was too, brief. 

 

NEW SEGMENT ALERT!!....or maybe just a one time thing.   

 Some caught headline quick hits for you: 

 

“There's talk of airlines asking you to step on a scale before boarding a flight”. Do skinny folks get a discount? 

 

"21-ton chunk of space debris from a Chinese rocket launch is going to crash to earth. We just don't know where". Worst. Fortune. Cookie. Translation. Ever; Btw, lucky numbers are: 12, 3, 16 & 4.

 

“Judge orders Kevin Spacey accuser to reveal himself” …Umm, isn’t this one of the things Kevin is accused of? This is your May worst headline of the month, bravo to whoever wrote it.

 

Finally, not wanted, yet, I gotta put them somewhere. Here’s some bad COVID jokes: 

Fun Fact: Long before today's celebrity vaccine endorsements, Elvis Presley got vaccinated against polio backstage at "The Ed Sullivan Show". Wait!!, was all that hip shaking just a vaccine side effect? 

 

McDonald's USA has printed up 50 million coffee cups, encouraging customers to visit vaccines.gov to learn more about getting their COVID shots. 

-When stating your order, instead of mentioning fries, expect to hear ‘You want AstraZeneca with that?’ 

-Remember, be tough and don't Grimace when you get your vaccine shot 

-How long till we see the McVaccine? 

 

The Japanese town of Noto is getting a lot of flack, after spending over $200 thousand dollars of COVID relief money on a giant statue of a pink squid. Really though, I say this is good news. Considering what they sell in vending machines in Japan, this may actually be a subtle, nuanced, and fitting sign the world is getting back on track. 

 

And sad news, Germany has announced they are canceling this year's Octoberfest. That makes two years in a row, but fingers are crossed for 2022. Dammit!, all my Ompha-band tuba lessons are set to go to waste! 

 

- Gilmore

The Sloppy Five: April 2021

 

Spring is in the air, with it and April showers, brings Easter, the Oscars, and some big dates & dinosaurs throughout our history. Let’s take a look at the month that was. And some bad jokes to go with it.

 

To start us off, fun fact: In case you missed it, the first Thursday of April is "National Burrito Day. Also meaning, the first Friday is National Toilet Paper Day.

 

Following the death of Prince Philip, the BBC received over 100,000 complaints over its excessive coverage. Secretly, don’t we all hope to achieve the same when we die.

 

At age 65, Bay City Rollers singer Les McKeown also passed away. When’s the funeral?    

Saturday Night. 

 

The Oscars came and went. The big winners were, essentially, those expected. The big losers were, essentially, the audience, and, lack of audience. Thanks to an award order switch up, lots of folks felt shafted when Best Picture wasn’t presented last. And, seems it’s a race to the bottom for ratings. First the Golden Globes laid a golden turd (Tina & Amy were great hosts, btw), now the Academy Awards. The Oscars lost more viewers since last year then people who actually tuned in this year. Final viewer numbers came in under 10 million. How much longer till the Oscars are done via podcast.

 

The annual Best Countries report came out, stating Canada is the best country to live in. They obviously didn’t check housing prices. Canada, Come for the Maple Syrup, stay for the taxes

 

Latest research is, billions of Tyrannosaurus Rex dinosaurs once roamed Earth. The discovery happened when someone noticed ‘billions of T-Rex served’ on the burger joint sign in a Flintstones episode

 

Some interesting tidbits of history hit us in April.

In 1970, the 13th was the day an oxygen tank blew up on Apollo 13, the historic rescue story would follow. This is one of those weird ones: Released in 1995, the movie ‘Apollo 13’ has now been out longer than the time between the real event happening, and the movie coming out. Yes, we are getting old.

 

April 14^th 1912 marked the sinking of the Titanic. Word is if you start the James Cameron movie at 11:26pm, the ship will sink in the movie right around 2:20 a.m., the exact time the real Titanic went down. And, 14 minutes into the movie, you can take a moment and mark the exact time, 11:40pm, when the ship hit the iceberg. Coincidentally, anyone who actually does any of this is a Titanic loser

 

It was 2009 when CTV aired the series finale for Corner Gas. Of course, as the show was based in a prairie town, they saw it coming from miles away.

 

Following the death of his father, John Hinkle, Jr. had the thumbhole of his dad’s bowling ball filled with his ashes. Then, he used the ball to bowl a perfect 300 game. When reached for comment: “I couldn’t have done it without my father’s ash hole”…. awkward.

 

More food news, IHOP has announced a new "Bacon Obsession" menu featuring top end bacon with a maple glaze, and, limited menu items like a Steakhouse Premium Bacon Burger, Candied Bacon Pancakes and a Maple Bacon Milkshake. Also announced, a slight restaurant rebrand to: International House of Pulmonary events.

 

In honor of National Grilled Cheese Day, Kraft launched Kraft Singles Grilled Cheese-cense this year. Yes, a grilled cheese sandwich scented incense. Light this, spill some beer in the corner, and your nose will think you are back in your college dorm all over again

 

Taco Bell has announced they're going to start recycling their sauce packets. Fitting, as their meat tastes like it already has been.

 

And a new study says you don’t hit peak self esteem until age 60. Don’t tell the emo teenagers

 

Finally, Not wanted, yet, I gotta put them somewhere. Here’s some bad COVID jokes: 

 

People are pointing to a 'Betty' comic book from 1997, showing the "future", and turns out, it's our current reality: kids attending virtual school, via computer video chat, instead of physically going to a building. Gotta wonder if Jughead would be eating veggie burgers by now. Also notable, Betty, cute then, still now, and always will be in the future.

 

The coronavirus pandemic has sparked a nationwide ketchup shortage. The top condiment, restaurants are now scrambling to get a hold of Ketchup supply. If vegemite was ever gonna catch on in North America, Australians this is your chance!

 

And word is, a nasal spray developed by a Canadian company actually kills 99% of the coronavirus. It stops the virus in the upper airways, preventing it from incubating and going to your lungs. If anything like the vaccines, the rest of the world will have access to it before Canadians do. 

 

- Gilmore

The Sloppy Five: March 2021

Tax Time, St Patrick’s Day, Lions & Lambs, Springtime and more. Lots of yearly events hit up March, plus, we had the one offs of 2021. Let’s take a look at the month that was. And, some bad jokes to go with it.

 

First things first, a few notable birthday’s from the month. Justin Bieber turned 27, yeah he’s that old now, meaning your age must be…oh, wow. Martin Short is now 71, marking the transition from Short to Long in the Tooth. Dean Stockwell, best known to many as Al from Quantum Leap, is now 85. (Random show idea, take Quantum Leap, only Sam has to ruin a life before he jumps...Yes, this is how my brain works!) And, Eddy Grant hit 73. He still heads down to Electric Avenue, these days though it’s for the Blue Hair Specials.

 

A sad note this month, Walter Gretzky died at the age of 82, after suffering from Parkinson's disease and other health issues. Got me thinking, and I have no doubt, just like my Mike Myers theory, every Canadian was 4 degrees from Walter Gretzky.

 

Hasbro announced they're going to make Mr. Potato Head gender neutral, and dropping the Mr. from the name. Moving forward you’ll have to check under the peel to find out I suppose.

 

It was announced by the publisher a handful of Dr Seuss books will no longer be printed, sighting ‘racial undertones’. After this, the pile on has included demands Dr Seuss books be removed from libraries. The ‘Karen in the Hat’ strikes again.

 

St. Patrick’s Day came and went. All controversy aside, admit it, this was the year we needed to see the glorious St. Patrick’s Day suited Don Cherry on Coach’s Corner. May someone in your St. Pats Zoom call have been dressed as wild.

 

In Space news, word is construction on the World's first space hotel will begin in 2025. When finished, will have restaurants, cinemas and rooms for up to 400 guests. Two things: If you go to space and then go watch a movie, you’re an idiot. Also, if I go, I am registering as Mr. George Jetson.

 

Elsewhere, another SpaceX rocket took off, flew around the skies of Texas for a while then made a perfect landing. Then three minutes later, exploded. My solution, Elon Musk simply rebrands them Inspector Gadget Message Rockets!

 

This month in 1919 the first international air mail was delivered from Vancouver to Seattle, Washington. Wait, Van to Seattle?...not the huge international expanse you’d expect a flight being required for, is it.

 

With Easter on the way, Cadbury and Goose Island Brewery have teamed for a Cadbury Creme Egg beer. Why?! Biggest question here is, will it actually taste better coming back up then going down. Probably.

 

Annual reminder time, it was March of 1966 when John Lennon suggested the Beatles were more popular than Jesus. This creating mass protests, and destruction of Beatles records. Funny how everyone remembers this yet forgets when Jesus made the same mistake in 1983 suggesting he was more popular than the last episode of MASH.

 

Finally, Not wanted, yet, I gotta put them somewhere. Here’s some bad COVID jokes: 

 

Going to China any time soon? They've now made the anal swab COVID test mandatory for all foreigners. Pick your favourite:

…I used to pay extra for something like that

…What’s worse, getting the anal swab, or giving the anal swab? 

…‘I’m surrounded by nothing but buttholes at work’, accurate if you’ve got this job

…And we think taking our shoes off at the airport is a pain

 

 

-Gilmore