If not this year, at some point you’ll find yourself back in your hometown during the holidays. And, as luck will have it, you’ll eventually run into that person from high school who is a bit of a dipshit, never left town, and is basically doing the same things they were doing at 17.
Odds are pretty high there is a reason you didn’t talk to them in high school, or now. Yet, when they see you they’ll want to talk and catch up like you are old buddies. So, here’s a few fun tips for dealing with the situation.
The Goal here is to avoid a ‘let’s catch up’ conversation when you are spotted at the store. Here we go:
Act Deaf – Make Sign Language type movement with your hands, point to your ears, say nothing. Just might be enough for them to just say hi, and bye.
Do the opposite, Yell Everything – When they spot you and say hi. Yell “HI. MY HEARING IS GOING. AM I TOO LOUD?!”… That might spook them off. If not, just add ‘My hearing is going. Am I too loud?’ to the end of every 2-3 sentences. They should wrap the conversation up quickly. Yell progressively louder if need be.
Seize the Frank - Do they get your name wrong? You are Andrew, but they call you Frank. Don’t correct; go with it! – Infact change it again. Tell them you go by some random word now for a name, like Hemisphere. And you changed it while living in a remote village in the _______ coast (pick the coast furthest away) 4 years ago. Continue to make up a wild story the more you talk. They think you are Frank anyway, so anyone they repeat it to will think it’s someone else, so you might as well have some fun with this conversation.
Flip The Script - Give them a name. Even if you know their name, say hey, you are Frank right? When they correct you, tell them they are wrong. Persist their name is Frank. Get angry about it. They are wrong, their name is Frank!! The conversation should end soon.
Take a shit…Kinda - When they spot you, as soon as they start speaking, interrupt and say “Oh thank god, where is the bathroom? It’s an emergency!” Whether they answer or not start walking away like you are straddling a beach ball. Add a few, “oh no, oh nos!” if you need to. Possibly embarrassing to you, yes. Avoids the conversation, yes yes. Worth it.
Pass Them a Card - This one takes some pre-planning. Make a business card sized piece of paper that says “Quiet! Not here. To dangerous. Come outside”… When they say hi, hand this to them immediately, along with a loud ‘Shhhh!”. Then start looking around the store suspiciously, then motion to the door. That might weird them out, and you are scot free. If they do follow you outside sternly tell them “I’m actually here under cover, you can’t tell anyone you saw me!” Add, “lay low for a few weeks, and watch out for a strange black Cadillac” then run away.
Go Sketchy – As soon as they say hi, get real close and whisper “hey you got any weed?” Before they can answer add “…or something harder, I could really use a hit”. Paw at your nose, lots of sniffles. This might freak them out right out of the gate, conversation done!
...Warning: This one might backfire. They might be even sketchier and call your bluff. Next thing you know you’re an accessory to some petty crime, and are standing around a barrel fire drinking homemade liquor. Just a heads up.
Smile, Nod, be Polite – Face it, this is what you’ll do anyway. Do your best to be nice and GTFO of the conversation as quick as you can.…And try not to snicker when this list pops in your head when they are talking to you ;-)
-Gilmore
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