The Sloppy Five: January 2021

Happy New Year!, let’s dive in. Here’s a recap of what’s been going on to start the year so far. And, some bad jokes to go with it. 

 

Super Bowl LV is this coming weekend. Making history, Sarah Thomas will become the first female referee to officiate a Super Bowl. Sarah will also be the first woman to be booed, told she is blind, and have the loser blame the Super Bowl result on. 

 

Check your tickets, the recent US Mega Millions lottery had a jackpot of $970 million. Think of it, with all that money you could buy a house in Toronto! 

 

Movie news, confirmed Emilio Estevez and Kiefer Sutherland will both be back for a "Young Guns 3." I’d say ‘Middle Age Guns’ at best now. 

 

Pamela Anderson and her bodyguard Dan Hayhurst tied the knot Christmas Eve. Please enjoy these thoughts: 

…this was just over a month ago, I’d say the marriage is half over by now …Marriage #6 for Pam, her next one’s free! 

…Marriage #6, she’s going for “The Larry King”! (8 Marriages) 

…Marriage #6, and no Larry King (RIP Larry) to take on, Pam might be going for Grand Champion 

…Marriage #6, she’s had more husbands than my house has rooms.

 

In Arkansas, a woman was fired from a Taco Bell after a customer complained that she starred in adult movies. Really?, Isn’t meeting a porn actress at a Taco Bell the top voted Penthouse letter in Arkansas? 

 

A vagina-scented candle* sold by Gwyneth Paltrow's wellness brand Goop reportedly burst into flames in a woman's living room. Coincidentally, a vagina bursting into flames is the least voted Penthouse letter in Arkansas. 

 

This month in 2010, after 90 years in business, the Canadian history magazine The Beaver announced it would change its name to ‘Canada’s History’ because of the sexual connotations behind it. Not the first time they’ve done this, and, for the same reason, I hear before The Beaver they called it The Regina. 

 

Another history tidbit, in January 1787 William Herschel discovered the 2 moons of Uranus. Years later Captain Kirk and crew would be first to see the Klingons. 

 

The Zoom call dildo lady. Let’s just hope she didn’t do the call from her grandma’s house! 

 

And we’ll class it up again with a classic: Polar Vortex could be on its way bringing extremely cold temperatures. The cold temps at your house though, either the vortex, or your mother in law is coming to visit. Ba-dum-tss!! 

 

Finally, Yeah, once again. Not that you want any, I gotta put them somewhere though. Here’s some bad COVID jokes:  

 

Way back playback:The start of the year in 1982 was infamous for Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy would be hospitalized and treated for rabies after biting the head off of a dead bat thrown on stage in Iowa. 

Fun fact: Ozzy won’t need the COVID-19 vaccine.

 

It’s been discovered a guy has been living at the Chicago airport for three months. His reason, he was afraid to get on a flight and leave because of COVID. This sequel to ‘The Terminal’ sounds awful. 

 

-Gilmore 

 

 

-- Oh P.S. *-Vagina-Scented Candles, huh… Who is this marketed to exactly?, would you buy this for someone? and was Gwyneth heavily involved in the product research, test smelling each one till they had it right?