The SLOPPY FIVE: June 2021

(As with May, try to ignore the crummy line spacing and font size issues. Thanks, Enjoy!)

The greatest 40th birthday of all time, an even better Trivial Pursuit fact, Gary Busey, the end of a late-night TV era, and so much more. Put on a Grungy tune, it’s time to look back at the June that was. And, some bad jokes to go with it. 

 

So right outta the gate, Happy Canada Day to all, whether you are catching this just before, on the day, or after. And, we might as well start with some Canadian fun facts: 

In June 2007 the CBC announced Canada’s seven wonders. They are: 

-Niagara Falls….. 

-Pier 21… 

-The Rockies…. 

-The Igloo….. 

-The Canoe…. 

-Old Quebec City 

-Prairie Skies…. Not sure about you, I have NEVER heard of Pier 21, had to look it up. More reasons why my school history classes sucked. (We’ll save the Canadian history gaps to really make my blood boil for another time) 

 

As Canada hits 154 years old, here’s a few celebrity b-days from the month: 

 

Jerry Mathers, Beaver from Leave It To Beaver, if you need the refresh, is 73. Is ‘Ward I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night’ still the worst thing ever said on TV?! 

 

SNL alum Dana Carvey hit 66. Party On Dana! 

 

If you ever needed a reason to rewatch episodes of “Titus”, Stacy Keach is now 80. 

 

Adding to the US celebration, Clint Eastwood turned 91 on their Memorial Day. 

 

Gary Busey is still being Gary Busey, and now 77. To see Gary at his finest, visit Youtube for some ‘I’m with Busey” clips….Warning, if you’ve never heard of this show, it’ll be the first day of the rest of your life :-P 

 

And finally, June 2021 brought us the greatest 40th Birthday of all time!: 

 

 

 

Moving on, with June so too arrived the Atlantic Hurricane Season, and, golfing season for the Leafs. Didn’t think I’d ignore this trainwreck did ya? They always find a way to lose, don’t they. Shittiest superpower ever. 

 

Crazy weather hitting lately too, with heat records getting smashed the end of the month. Notably in Seattle, hotels are at capacity as locals escape their homes with no air conditioning. With all that heat and humidity, I’m betting they were feeling a little grungy. ….Still say ‘Seattle Grunge’ would have been an awesome name for the new NHL team. 

 

Mattel has released a Barbie made from recycled ocean-bound plastic, backed by a campaign themed "The Future of Pink is Green." Also the title of the most viewed environmental themed video on PornHub.   

 

Interesting Canadian internet tidbit, in June 2008, Beautifulpeople.net launched in Canada. A web community for attractive people with a strict ban on ugliness. I checked, not a single person from Keswick, Ontario is on the site…..Send your hate email to _____. Oh, who am I kidding, no one from Keswick is smart enough to use a computer anyway ;-). 

 

A Pennsylvania parole board denied convicted sex predator Bill Cosby's bid to be released from prison earlier this month, as he refused to complete a therapy program for violent sexual offenders.  Boy this gritty Cosby Show reboot has some wild episode plots! After the ruling, Bill was upset, the parole board: having a coke and a smile. 

 

France is sending a second Statue of Liberty to the US in time for their 4th of July celebrations. A smaller one, 1/16th the size of the original. It will be erected on Ellis Island, just across the water from the original. My suggestions if they hold a nickname contest: Little Liberty, The Little Lady, Mini-She, Tattoo, Lady Devito.

 

And, Nurse & Teacher are the two professions tied as "more stressful than any other." If you know someone who teaches nurses, give them a hug. I’d also argue someone trying to come up with a decent joke for this, might edge in on the stressful meter. 

 

 

Some June news quick hits for you: 

Serena Williams has announced she will not be taking part in the Summer Games in Tokyo. A pile of people just won some free Krusty Burgers this summer. 

 

Coming in at 4,368 episodes, Conan O'Brien wrapped his late-night TV run. The final episode of Conan went last week, with Jack Black as the final guest. To refresh your memory, Conan started in 1993 when he took over ‘Late Night’ from David Letterman. ---Conspiracy theorists, this is your messed up Conan’s run = Montreal Canadiens chance again of winning the Stanley Cup starting point— Anywho, no set plan yet, though Conan will be back streaming a new weekly variety show for HBO Max. 

 

New research shows using a slow Internet connection at home or work will increase your heart rate and stress level. Is this set to become the latest millennial exercise trend? 

 

Pete Davidson says he has no idea if he'll be back on "Saturday Night Live" this fall. Let’s hope so, the world needs it’s Staten Island updates. Side note: I checked, no one from Staten Island is on beautifulpeople.net either. 

 

A Florida company is planning to fly passengers to the edge of space in a high-tech version of a hot air balloon. Flights start in 2024, tickets, $125 grand a pop. Zeppelins back and popular again, cool, going to space in one, cool, this idea coming from Florida…hard pass. 

 

 

Some June History tidbits: 

Cue the “I remember where I was-es” June 25th 2009, Michael Jackson died. 50 years old, Jackson had a heart attack at home, then rushed to hospital. Personally, I was doing talky-songy on the radio the afternoon it all went down. The news came fast, the whole story unfolding from nothing in just a few hours. 

 

June 1st 2010 Chris Haney, the co-creator of Trivial Pursuit died at the age of 59. Chris also Canadian, so this is a top notch Trivial Pursuit, and Canada Day, type fact right there. 

 

Here’s another, the first Superman comic hit stands in June 1938. Cue the Joe Shuster Canadian Heritage moment. 

 

And a wonderful annual event, June 10th was national Iced Tea Day. You know, not too many rappers have a day just for them, good for him!...-ba dum tss! 

 

 

Finally, not wanted, yet, I gotta put them somewhere. Here’s some bad COVID jokes: 

 

In June 2004 Toronto Rocks: SARS-Stock…came out on a double DVD featuring highlights from the concert in Toronto including 6 songs from the Stones set. Which anyone who remembers it, they will skip over to watch the AC/DC performance, they blew the doors off the place! 

 

Meanwhile, Cuba has unveiled their very own COVID-19 vaccine. Best one yet, too!, smoke a cigar dipped in rum. 

 

In 1997 Mike Tyson was disqualified after three rounds of their heavyweight title fight for biting Evander Holyfield's ear. So if hugging is still a distant thought, what COVID stage do we need to reach for this stuff again? 

 

Headline: ‘Van Halen’s tour plans wrecked by COVID’…More like COVID’s tour plans wrecked by Van Halen. 

 

Filming on "Mission Impossible 7" has been shut down again due to a COVID outbreak. Tom Cruise is said to be livid. 

 

Finally, if Canada day fireworks suck(ed) this year, blame COVID. Seems it has caused a fireworks shortage too. 

 

 

- Gilmore

THE SLOPPY FIVE: May 2021

(Side note: Still having line spacing, and font size issues. Rather then my computer going out a f&%$ing window, we're just gonna go with how this sits now. Deal?)... Anywho, deep breath. Ok, as you were:

 

A billionaire hosted SNL, a billionaire announced a divorce, and thanks to pandemic, this year, billions disappointed Mom on Mother’s Day from the comfort of their own home. We may or may not see another May like this one. Let’s take a look at the month that was. And some bad jokes to go with it. 

 

Well, let’s dive in with the big one, Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced after 27 years of marriage. Yep, a year of isolation together got to them too. 

 

Although very amicable, a legal firm has been hired to help lead the $130 billion dollar divorce. Biggest point of contention: who gets the Windows 95 sound effect. 

 

And above all, 27 years on, we just gotta dust off this Bill & Melinda gates SNL classic: 

How did Melinda describe their wedding night?....Microsoft.

Yes, my brain instantly remembered this one, yet, I couldn’t tell you what I had for lunch yesterday. 

 

Ok, moving on….   

A bunch of space stuff happened this month too. Star Wars Day (May the 4th be with you), and less popular Revenge of the 5th, came and went. So that craps over for another year. 

 

It was announced a bottle of wine which spent 14 months on the Space Station is going up for auction, and, is expected to fetch at least $1 million dollars. What pairs best with space wine?, some of the cheese the moon is made of, of course. duh…. 

 

NASA says they've picked up radio waves coming from the planet Venus, adding, they haven't deciphered everything yet. Going with the ‘Women are from Venus’ thing, odds are it’s a message saying it’s upset, and we should know the reason why. 

 

In sports and entertainment, five people were arrested in the kidnapping of Lady Gaga's dog. Three have been charged with attempted murder and robbery, two with being accessories. The Scooby Doo gang are pleading they honestly thought the dog was Scrappy Doo, and he was simply lost. 

 

Broadway's Tony Awards, delayed by the pandemic, are now set for September. The Luigi Awards, will go as usually scheduled. 

 

ABC gave us word a "Wonder Years" reboot is coming this fall. Just imagine, going back to a time before cellphones and millennials, sounds wonderful indeed. 

 

As the month wound down, Joe West set a Major League Baseball record by umpiring his 5,376th regular-season game. This broke the old record going back to 1941. What can you say, it took a lotta balls to pull off a career like that. -ba-dum-tss!! 

 

Mike Nesmith and Mickey Dolenz, the two surviving members of The Monkees, are going to launch a farewell tour. Beginning this September, they are going under the new name "The Desperate for Monies" 

 

Food news, a trend picking up steam these days: pouring packets of ranch dressing mix into a jar of dill pickles. Read about more great recipe ideas like this in my coming book “Cooking ideas you get while Drunk” 

 

Burger King is bringing back crown-shaped chicken nuggets after a 10-year absence. The tricky part has been getting crowns on the chickens they are raising. 

 

Your interesting history tidbits for May. 

May 12th 1870, Manitoba became a Canadian province. Their provincial bird 'the mosquito' was introduced the next day, as well, the start of their Simpsons-esque Springfield/Shelbyville feud with Northwestern Ontario. 

...giving us this fantastic tie in:  If he was real, May 12th would have been Homer Simpson’s 70th birthday, show facts say he was born in 1951. 

 

May 19th 1926, Thomas Edison spoke on the radio for the first time. What did he say?: “Tesla Sucks!!” “Baba Booey” “FHRITP”     Pick your favourite, and email complaints about your least favourite to:  _________

 

And, in 2001 Fruit of the Loom closed its only Canadian plant. Think we can all agree their time in Canada was too, brief. 

 

NEW SEGMENT ALERT!!....or maybe just a one time thing.   

 Some caught headline quick hits for you: 

 

“There's talk of airlines asking you to step on a scale before boarding a flight”. Do skinny folks get a discount? 

 

"21-ton chunk of space debris from a Chinese rocket launch is going to crash to earth. We just don't know where". Worst. Fortune. Cookie. Translation. Ever; Btw, lucky numbers are: 12, 3, 16 & 4.

 

“Judge orders Kevin Spacey accuser to reveal himself” …Umm, isn’t this one of the things Kevin is accused of? This is your May worst headline of the month, bravo to whoever wrote it.

 

Finally, not wanted, yet, I gotta put them somewhere. Here’s some bad COVID jokes: 

Fun Fact: Long before today's celebrity vaccine endorsements, Elvis Presley got vaccinated against polio backstage at "The Ed Sullivan Show". Wait!!, was all that hip shaking just a vaccine side effect? 

 

McDonald's USA has printed up 50 million coffee cups, encouraging customers to visit vaccines.gov to learn more about getting their COVID shots. 

-When stating your order, instead of mentioning fries, expect to hear ‘You want AstraZeneca with that?’ 

-Remember, be tough and don't Grimace when you get your vaccine shot 

-How long till we see the McVaccine? 

 

The Japanese town of Noto is getting a lot of flack, after spending over $200 thousand dollars of COVID relief money on a giant statue of a pink squid. Really though, I say this is good news. Considering what they sell in vending machines in Japan, this may actually be a subtle, nuanced, and fitting sign the world is getting back on track. 

 

And sad news, Germany has announced they are canceling this year's Octoberfest. That makes two years in a row, but fingers are crossed for 2022. Dammit!, all my Ompha-band tuba lessons are set to go to waste! 

 

- Gilmore