(Side note: Still having line spacing, and font size issues. Rather then my computer going out a
f&%$ing window, we're just gonna go with how this sits now. Deal?)... Anywho, deep breath. Ok, as
you were:
A billionaire hosted SNL, a billionaire announced a divorce, and thanks to pandemic, this year, billions disappointed Mom on Mother’s Day from the comfort of their own home. We may or may not see another May like this one. Let’s take a look at the month that was. And some bad jokes to go with it.
Well, let’s dive in with the big one, Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced after 27 years of marriage. Yep, a year of isolation together got to them too.
Although very amicable, a legal firm has been hired to help lead the $130 billion dollar divorce. Biggest point of contention: who gets the Windows 95 sound effect.
And above all, 27 years on, we just gotta dust off this Bill & Melinda gates SNL classic:
How did Melinda describe their wedding night?....Microsoft.
Yes, my brain instantly remembered this one, yet, I couldn’t tell you what I had for lunch yesterday.
Ok, moving on….
A bunch of space stuff happened this month too. Star Wars Day (May the 4th be with you), and less popular Revenge of the 5th, came and went. So that craps over for another year.
It was announced a bottle of wine which spent 14 months on the Space Station is going up for auction, and, is expected to fetch at least $1 million dollars. What pairs best with space wine?, some of the cheese the moon is made of, of course. duh….
NASA says they've picked up radio waves coming from the planet Venus, adding, they haven't deciphered everything yet. Going with the ‘Women are from Venus’ thing, odds are it’s a message saying it’s upset, and we should know the reason why.
In sports and entertainment, five people were arrested in the kidnapping of Lady Gaga's dog. Three have been charged with attempted murder and robbery, two with being accessories. The Scooby Doo gang are pleading they honestly thought the dog was Scrappy Doo, and he was simply lost.
Broadway's Tony Awards, delayed by the pandemic, are now set for September. The Luigi Awards, will go as usually scheduled.
ABC gave us word a "Wonder Years" reboot is coming this fall. Just imagine, going back to a time before cellphones and millennials, sounds wonderful indeed.
As the month wound down, Joe West set a Major League Baseball record by umpiring his 5,376th regular-season game. This broke the old record going back to 1941. What can you say, it took a lotta balls to pull off a career like that. -ba-dum-tss!!
Mike Nesmith and Mickey Dolenz, the two surviving members of The Monkees, are going to launch a farewell tour. Beginning this September, they are going under the new name "The Desperate for Monies"
Food news, a trend picking up steam these days: pouring packets of ranch dressing mix into a jar of dill pickles. Read about more great recipe ideas like this in my coming book “Cooking ideas you get while Drunk”
Burger King is bringing back crown-shaped chicken nuggets after a 10-year absence. The tricky part has been getting crowns on the chickens they are raising.
Your interesting history tidbits for May.
May 12th 1870, Manitoba became a Canadian province. Their provincial bird 'the mosquito' was introduced the next day, as well, the start of their Simpsons-esque Springfield/Shelbyville feud with Northwestern Ontario.
...giving us this fantastic tie in: If he was real, May 12th would have been Homer Simpson’s 70th birthday, show facts say he was born in 1951.
May 19th 1926, Thomas Edison spoke on the radio for the first time. What did he say?: “Tesla Sucks!!” “Baba Booey” “FHRITP” Pick your favourite, and email complaints about your least favourite to: _________
And, in 2001 Fruit of the Loom closed its only Canadian plant. Think we can all agree their time in Canada was too, brief.
NEW SEGMENT ALERT!!....or maybe just a one time thing.
Some caught headline quick hits for you:
“There's talk of airlines asking you to step on a scale before boarding a flight”. Do skinny folks get a discount?
"21-ton chunk of space debris from a Chinese rocket launch is going to
crash to earth. We just don't know where". Worst. Fortune. Cookie.
Translation. Ever; Btw, lucky numbers are: 12, 3, 16 & 4.
“Judge orders Kevin Spacey accuser to reveal himself” …Umm, isn’t this one of the things Kevin is accused of? This is your May worst headline of the month, bravo to whoever wrote it.
Finally, not wanted, yet, I gotta put them somewhere. Here’s some bad COVID jokes:
Fun Fact: Long before today's celebrity vaccine endorsements, Elvis Presley got vaccinated against polio backstage at "The Ed Sullivan Show". Wait!!, was all that hip shaking just a vaccine side effect?
McDonald's USA has printed up 50 million coffee cups, encouraging customers to visit vaccines.gov to learn more about getting their COVID shots.
-When stating your order, instead of mentioning fries, expect to hear ‘You want AstraZeneca with that?’
-Remember, be tough and don't Grimace when you get your vaccine shot
-How long till we see the McVaccine?
The Japanese town of Noto is getting a lot of flack, after spending over $200 thousand dollars of COVID relief money on a giant statue of a pink squid. Really though, I say this is good news. Considering what they sell in vending machines in Japan, this may actually be a subtle, nuanced, and fitting sign the world is getting back on track.
And sad news, Germany has announced they are canceling this year's Octoberfest. That makes two years in a row, but fingers are crossed for 2022. Dammit!, all my Ompha-band tuba lessons are set to go to waste!
- Gilmore
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