Hockey’s gone, Olympics are on. July has come and went. Let’s take a look at the month that was, and some bad jokes to go with it.
Unfortunate news hitting as we closed out the month. Dusty Hill of ZZ Top passed away Wednesday at 72. And, Bob Odenkirk was hospitalized after collapsing on set of ‘Better Call Saul’. Bob is OK, since stating it was a ‘small heart attack’, looks like he’s on the rebound.
A big story this month was billionaires going to space. Couldn’t care less, though I’ll take Jeff Bezos’ flight date of the 20th a little deliberate. July 20th 1969 being the day Neil Armstrong became the first person to walk on the moon. -‘First Man’ with Ryan Goseling, is a great flick to check out, btw-. In Jeff’s case, it was one small ego trip for a billionaire, one giant boo from mankind.
Also in space news, the Hubble Telescope has quit working. Early word is NASA plans to rename it the Deadbeat Lazy Brother-in-Lawscope.
Olympics in Tokyo are on, and following a bronze with her team in the 4x100m medley race Penny Oleksiak is now the most decorated Canadian Olympian of all time. A nice highlight for Canada always feels like we are the forever fourth place country.
Singer-songwriter Pink offered to pay fines handed out to the Norwegian women's beach handball team at the Olympics. This following the Norwegian team refusing to wear bikini bottoms, and opting for short while competing. Ironically?, they were concerned with showing too much pink.
Also in Tokyo, a hotel is apologizing and taking down the signs they had on their elevators. They had labeled one "Japanese only" and the others, "Foreigners only." Shoulda seen the escalators, ‘walk like proud Japanese Samurai on the left’, ‘stand like a filthy fat American on the right’.
Congratulations in order to the Tampa Bay Lightning, winning the Stanley Cup over the Montreal Canadiens. Short to follow a welcome to the NHL’s new team the Seattle Kraken. The Seattle expansion draft went, and was kinda odd, as more news and storylines surrounded who they didn’t take over who they did.
Some interesting dates through our July. On the 22nd, in 1915 Sir Sanford Fleming died at the age of 88. He’s the guy who came up with the notion for time zones. Heard he died at 8pm, 8:30 in Newfoundland.
Gone 40 years, and still the guy with more balls than anyone, Terry Fox was born on the 29th, in 1958.
Other birthdays from the month include:
Burt Ward turning 76, holy oldness!!
Also 76 is Jim Davis the creator of Garfield comics. The perfect time to introduce yourself to Garfield minus Garfield https://garfieldminusgarfield.net/ …do it!
Cheech Marin is 75. His long life secret? The old adage ‘a bong hit a day…’
His next Rocky will be 2 hours in a rocking chair, Sylvester Stallone is also 75.
As too, Linda Ronstadt: The “Plow King” song with her and Barney on the Simpsons a definite career highlight!…I also argue the episodes ‘Tony Plow” line may be the greatest joke EVER written. Someday I’ll do a painfully long post explaining why….You’ve been warned.
And on July 15th 1988, the very first "Die Hard" movie hit theaters. Die Hard is considered a Christmas movie by many now, right?. So new theory, is this how the whole Christmas in July thing started?!
Seems there’s been long debate about the words in Bruce Springsteen's 1975 song, "Thunder Road." Is it, "Mary's dress sways" or "Mary's dress waves.?" Springsteen's manager has settled it, stating it's "sways." Ok, now do ‘Blinded by the light’ (Springsteen did the original) “revved up/ wrapped up like a” what?
The labels on Campbell's soup cans are getting their first redesign in about 50 years. Andy Warhol copycats the line starts to the left
Whitney Houston's hologram is going to have a Las Vegas residency this fall. Hardest part, how to make cocaine look realistic as a hologram
Curtis Sliwa says, if he's elected Mayor of New York City, he'll make it so people received $1,000 to help with expenses when they adopt a dog from a shelter. Cat adopters, go f*&k yourselves.
American Airlines is warning of possible fuel shortages in the future. Carry-ons will now be 5 gallon gas cans.
Oscar Mayer might sell hot dog buns in limited-edition packs of two, addressing the disparity between buns' 8-packs and hot dogs' usual 10-packs. Forget ‘first world problems’, we are eeking into ‘first world miracles’ territory now. Remember, you heard the term here first!
In India, 18 people were killed when a lightning strike hit a clock tower. Then Marty disappeared in a Delorean and ended up in 1985!
In Michigan, a man began digging in his backyard and came across a bowling ball. He kept digging, more bowling balls. 158 so far, perhaps stumbling upon an ancient dinosaur bowling alley? Maybe the one on the Flintstones. Or, are they Nibbler poops from the Future?...whoa!
Finally, not wanted, yet, I gotta put them somewhere. Here’s some bad COVID jokes:
COVID has certainly affected the Olympics, including Tennis star Coco Gauff having had to drop out after testing positive. So Coco now a Covo, no show.
Jewelers saw a huge spike in engagement ring sales in April and May, as people saw the end of the pandemic coming…flip side, everyone divorcing after the pandemic, time to cash in on your rings!
And on this note, if we get through this whole pandemic thing, researchers are saying by the year 2100, humans could have a life expectancy of between 125 and 132 years. Married folks, just imagine all those years of nagging.
- Gilmore
