The 10 Christmas Traditions you should look forward to most this year

Christmas is almost here! Forget Santa, Presents, and the Tree. Here's some real holiday traditions to look forward to:

You’re Gonna Get Crap - Guaranteed you'll open at least one gift and think, what the faa?! You might not even know what it is, it might be the exact opposite of what you asked for, you might wonder what type of narcotic the person was on who gifted this…this..this 'THING' to you. It might just be the worst gift you ever receive…Take a breath, smile, and say thanks. It is the thought that counts, and they may have tried really hard to find you that gift thinking you'd love it.

You’re Gonna Give Crap - Guess what ding dong, you are a terrible shopper too! You tried really hard to find everyone a gift they would appreciate, fact is, you are gonna give somebody crap too. It's the Christmas Circle of life Simba. They'll smile, and say thanks. You say You're Welcome. Everybody moves on.

You'll be a Pig - Newsflash, it's not the Turkey making you sleepy, it's the 3 1/2 pounds of additional food you gorged yourself on to go with it. Take it easy. Christmas Eating is a marathon, not a race…..Oh and speaking of that Turkey:

You will Fart – All that Christmas Eating. you will fart like a machine! There's only so much you can blame on the dog too, so make a battle plan to get outside. In fact kudos to the Cujos; taking the dog for a walk is your perfect go outside excuse. Smokers, well played, you've got an out too. Perhaps consider taking up cigar or pipe smoking during the holidays. Your family will think its one of your wholesome traditions, you'll know its a way to keep you from melting their eyes with your ass.

Hockey is Gonna Happen - So if you've been in Canada longer than 6 seconds you know Hockey is bit of a big deal here. And, during the Christmas Holidays hockey ramps up a touch with the World Juniors tournament thrown into the mix. Guaranteed at least one person in the house will be a hockey nut, so let keep an eye on things, OK. By the way, if you are the hockey nut, take it easy on the games already. You're getting together with friends and family to visit, not to stare at the TV. Compromise is the key. The Team Canada games, absolutely watch them, you don't however need to be up at 5 am to catch New Guinea VS Argentina.

You’ll be Stupid – Yep as much as you pre-plan, and, as much as you swear you’ll avoid it; you will end up in 23 people deep lineups on boxing day. Yes, that trip to the store to get a litre of milk cause you ran out will take the afternoon. If you are purposely hitting up the stores, don't complain about the busyness, and please don't force anyone not interested to go with you. No means no!

You’ll be sick - Fact: If you are with a group of 8 or more during the holidays, at least one of you will be viciously ill on Christmas Day. Great news, moving forward you have a 50/50 chance of getting sick too. And, it will happen in 1 of 2 ways:
A. It hits you quick, and your are sick as hell the rest of your time off. 
B. You are fine until New Years Eve, when you wake up feeling like you got hit by a bus. You have to slosh through Happy New Year festivities miserable, sober, and feeling worse than everyone else will the next day.

Travelling Chaos - Wherever Christmas is for you this year, if you need to travel more than an hour to get to it you will encounter one of 2 options. Either no problems at all, smooth sailing, all is great. -enjoy it cause next year it will be option 2- 
The endless death march of anguish. Forget 20 mins more, it will be 3 more hours than it should take, minimum. Oh, and you’ll forget something important, a gift, part of the meal you were bringing, gramma. Something important. 

Hometown Dipshits - If you are heading home for the holidays, as in to your hometown, without a doubt you'll run into someone you went to high school with who you weren't friends with then, and aren't now; yet they'll want to talk and catch up like you are old buddies. For some Pro-Tips on dealing with this situation give this a click: Dipshits

Work will try to happen - Congratulations!, you have time off after working so hard all year. Time to relax, enjoy….and odds are pretty high at some point work will try to get a hold of you. Usually at the worst time too. Of course, on the flip side, if you already are set to be working during the holidays you know damn well it will be good luck trying to get a hold of anyone should a serious problem come up. Weird how that one works. 

Of course the biggest tradition has to be that you can’t wait till next year to do it all again, right?!

Merry Christmas
- Gilmore

-- Oh P.S. - Some of these sound familiar I hope. If you've got a good one to add, let me know!

Hometown Dipshits – A Holiday Survivors Guide

If not this year, at some point you’ll find yourself back in your hometown during the holidays. And, as luck will have it, you’ll eventually run into that person from high school who is a bit of a dipshit, never left town, and is basically doing the same things they were doing at 17. 

Odds are pretty high there is a reason you didn’t talk to them in high school, or now. Yet, when they see you they’ll want to talk and catch up like you are old buddies. So, here’s a few fun tips for dealing with the situation. 

The Goal here is to avoid a ‘let’s catch up’ conversation when you are spotted at the store. Here we go:

Act Deaf – Make Sign Language type movement with your hands, point to your ears, say nothing. Just might be enough for them to just say hi, and bye. 

Do the opposite, Yell Everything – When they spot you and say hi. Yell “HI. MY HEARING IS GOING. AM I TOO LOUD?!”… That might spook them off. If not, just add ‘My hearing is going. Am I too loud?’ to the end of every 2-3 sentences. They should wrap the conversation up quickly. Yell progressively louder if need be. 

Seize the Frank - Do they get your name wrong? You are Andrew, but they call you Frank. Don’t correct; go with it! – Infact change it again. Tell them you go by some random word now for a name, like Hemisphere. And you changed it while living in a remote village in the _______ coast (pick the coast furthest away) 4 years ago. Continue to make up a wild story the more you talk. They think you are Frank anyway, so anyone they repeat it to will think it’s someone else, so you might as well have some fun with this conversation. 

Flip The Script - Give them a name. Even if you know their name, say hey, you are Frank right? When they correct you, tell them they are wrong. Persist their name is Frank. Get angry about it. They are wrong, their name is Frank!! The conversation should end soon. 

Take a shit…Kinda - When they spot you, as soon as they start speaking, interrupt and say “Oh thank god, where is the bathroom? It’s an emergency!” Whether they answer or not start walking away like you are straddling a beach ball. Add a few, “oh no, oh nos!” if you need to. Possibly embarrassing to you, yes. Avoids the conversation, yes yes. Worth it. 


Pass Them a Card - This one takes some pre-planning. Make a business card sized piece of paper that says “Quiet! Not here. To dangerous. Come outside”… When they say hi, hand this to them immediately, along with a loud ‘Shhhh!”. Then start looking around the store suspiciously, then motion to the door. That might weird them out, and you are scot free. If they do follow you outside sternly tell them “I’m actually here under cover, you can’t tell anyone you saw me!” Add, “lay low for a few weeks, and watch out for a strange black Cadillac” then run away.

Go Sketchy – As soon as they say hi, get real close and whisper “hey you got any weed?” Before they can answer add “…or something harder, I could really use a hit”. Paw at your nose, lots of sniffles. This might freak them out right out of the gate, conversation done!
...Warning: This one might backfire. They might be even sketchier and call your bluff. Next thing you know you’re an accessory to some petty crime, and are standing around a barrel fire drinking homemade liquor. Just a heads up.

Smile, Nod, be Polite – Face it, this is what you’ll do anyway. Do your best to be nice and GTFO of the conversation as quick as you can.…And try not to snicker when this list pops in your head when they are talking to you ;-) 

-Gilmore

Dammit Edmonton, I want to wear this toque!

With December rolling in it’s more then high time to have another look at the NHL, how things are going, and how good –well a couple were-, and bad, my thoughts on each team were heading in to the season back in October. If you want to review, CLICK THIS. 

OK with a look at today’s standings let’s pick up where we were: 

Pacific Division 

Anaheim Ducks: yeesh! Why do we have to start here. Could I have been more wrong about a team?! To quote myself from October: “Boom, right out of the gate a team that could make the Cup final this year. If not win it all”. Only thing I can follow it up with is, Boo! How has this team been this bad so far. They are turning things around and I’m sure they’ll have a strong finish. Still though, even Columbus has had a better recent stretch, and the fact Anaheim sits ahead of only 6 teams in the entire league, that just ain’t right.

Arizona Coyotes: Really, and this is the second team?! The one I touted as being certain they wouldn’t make the playoffs. Eat my hat on this one. Yes, playoffs are a pile of games away, you gotta feel though they are this year’s version of last year’s Calgary Flames. Keep it up Coyotes! 

Calgary Flames: Honest, I’m not trying to do this team to team thread; It’s annoying me too! Tough to see Calgary struggle the way they are so far this season. I stand by my theory though, if by random chance they make the playoffs, and face Vancouver. Oh yes, once again they will beat them. 

Edmonton Oilers: Deep breath… OK, how many times do I have to utter the phrase ‘The Oilers have to be better this year right?’… Well I’m doing it again. Seriously can they not read?, I’d like to wear my Oilers toque proudly, and, at some point, this decade. Good thing they are building that new arena, old one might self combust from shame, and oily northern Alberta tears. 

LA Kings: Hey, we finally get to a team I haven’t been totally wrong on! Bit of a struggle at the start, and now they seem to be rolling in typical Kings style. Too early to start the debate over what’s better when LA makes the playoffs?: The games, or the Darryl Sutter press conferences! 

San Jose Sharks: OK now it’s time to feel old, Joe Thorton was traded to San Jose 10 years ago. Where did the time go? The team is looking solid, when the playoffs come will they stay that way? Always kind of a 50/50 isn’t it. 

Vancouver Canucks: Oh Vancouver. If you had better fans, I’d almost care. (Vancouver fans, links to write me nasty comments are over to the left) Looking better lately at least, I’ve actually been surprised at some of their struggles. 


Central Division 

Chicago Blackhawks: Patrick Kane show continues. And a Tip of the Hat to him for his record setting points streak. They are definitely strong, and definitely in the thick of things, though unfortunately still say the roster changes/other teams gunning for them make the Blackhawks unlikely to repeat as Cup champs. And again, I add, prove me wrong Chicago 

Colorado Avalanche: Eeek…Not doing better than last year as I’d prognosticated (classy word find!). And at this point, a playoff bound Colorada team isn’t looking likely. 

Dallas Stars: So far so good with this team..actually I’m sticking with my initial thoughts: ‘…they will be a site to see this year. Didn’t come together last year, it will this year. Playoffs here come the Stars’. 

Minnesota Wild: Right now Minnesota sits in a Wild Card spot, will they be there near the  tail end of the season? Most likely, which is too bad. Minnesota, like the Jets, are a good team in a stupid good division. Stinks that one of them misses the playoffs. 

Nashville Predators: Minn/Wpg could be out, unless Nashville poos the bed hard rolling forward this season. Leaning to a no on this one, though they certainly aren’t last year’s team, so far. Nashville still lurking and looking like they could do some damage once playoff time arrives. 

St. Louis Blues: Congratulations St. Louis, I didn’t forget about you this time!..Sorry again about that before. You still have me scratching my head though. You’re a strong team, and yet one wonders do you have what the French call a certain ‘I don’t know what?’ (thanks Mike Myers) to be an elite NHL team? 

Winnipeg Jets: Let’s Go Jets! As in come on, let’s get it going Jets. A little more consistency has to be the key. The pieces seem there. It could be a squeaker, let’s cross our fingers playoff hockey returns to Manitoba in April 


Atlantic Division 

Boston Bruins: On a good note, the B’s do seem to be getting their house in order, and after a struggle to the start, their seasons picking up steam. I think all this talk about them, or some players, getting old is a little early. We’ll find out come playoff time, and Bruins should be in. 

Buffalo Sabres: Well, they are better than last year. It’s also still going to be Wednesday a week today... Seriously though, Buffalo is looking pretty good, and they have nothing to feel bad about. Currently they have a better record than Anaheim (seriously!), sit ahead of the Leafs, Carolina, and Columbus, just a win from being ahead of 2 more clubs, and have just 1 less win than Tampa Bay. Keep it up Buffalo! 

Detroit Red Wings: New coach, older team, Red Wings keep rolling though. Currently 6th in the East, it’s tough to see them hold that spot with the teams around them in the standings coming on strong. Still it’s Detroit, so a spot in the playoffs is never out of the question. If a team can find a way to do it, they can.

Florida Panthers: Florida’s currently on the outside looking in at the playoff picture. The middle of the road is exactly where I thought they wouldn’t be. Yet, its hard now to see them being anywhere but that spot come the end of the season. Some teams will go up, some will go down with the Panthers likely being the buoy marker between the shallow end and deep end. And yes, Jarmoir Jagr, and his mullet should be at in this year’s All Star Game! 

Montreal Canadiens: Well I was half right, Carey Price has been fantastic, and the Habs are certain to make the playoffs. Shoulda given a little more credit to the rest of the team though. With Price out with injury, they haven’t missed a beat. This is good cause it let’s him rest. Montreal, will need him 100% for playoff time. 

Ottawa Senators: I think Ottawa’s record is better than they are. Earlier, I called for them possibly making the playoffs, though an early exit. Now I’m not seeing them in, instead finishing just outside. 

Tampa Bay Lightning: The flip side is Tampa Bay are a far better team than their record shows. Far, far better team, infact. They have to be right?! (sounding like Oiler talk, yikes!)…Struggling, you have to think they turn it around soon. If not, what does it mean for the team? Let alone that whole Steven Stamkos contract situation. 

Toronto Maple Leafs: Leafs are weird this year. OK, weirder than normal; and in Leaf-land weird kinda is the normal. (wrap your head around that Catch 22) Are they better than expected? To many, yes. Should they be? Yes. Should they be better then they are? Tough to say. Mike Babcock has them playing better hockey than their record shows. Some due to atrocious goaltending. Yet, brilliant goaltending has saved their skin on other nights. The flickering of life are there, the Leafs are headed in the right direction. 


Metropolitan Division 

Carolina Hurricanes: What can I say, didn’t see them cracking the playoffs, though did expect to see a better team than this. Just ahead of 1 team in the standings and tied with 3 more in second to the bottom. Not where you wanna be. 

Columbus Blue Jackets: Speaking of. CBJ along with Calgary, join Carolina in the 20 points club. And here I was feeling a better than expected year from Columbus and a playoff appearance. Congratulations Columbus you are the team making me look the dumbest…Gotta wonder if that last sentence may also be a pep talk highlight from John Tortorella following their latest loss. 

New Jersey Devils: Jersey’s been a bit of a pleasant surprise. So far, not the nasty long season I thought it might be. Just shy of the playoffs, with Tampa Bay bound to get on a tear -They have to be better right?-, it unfortunately is tough to The Devils squeaking in at the end of the season. 

New York Islanders: Islanders are kinda stumping some, and not just fans in Brooklyn figuring out they have an NHL team. Not the dominant team I was expecting. Still say they make the playoffs. Once they start, the could make some noise. 

New York Rangers: Are the Rangers silly good again, yep. Playoffs, yep. Stil think they are final bound? That first round will be a dosey for them to get through. Still saying it will be a game 7, maybe some overtime. 

Philadelphia Flyers: Repeating October’s thoughts: ‘Philly you frustrate me so much. Potential is there. And you’ve done it before’...I’ll stop there, as I also spoke of Philly making the playoffs, though I did state –I don’t know how-. This time around I’ll say I know how. With records essentially the same, they just need to do what ever Tampa Bay does to get in. Ah, yet ask yourself do you see it happening? 

Pittsburgh Penguins: Let’s face it, the Penguins have been a bit of a disappointment. Getting wins, yes. And probably playing a better team game to do it than we like to think. Still, those visions of Phil Kessel/Sidney Crosby highlights every night aren’t coming true. As fans, it’s a little disappointing. They keep denying there is turmoil in Pittsburgh (Crosby and Lemieux fall out?, talk of trading Malkin) whatever it is they will need things sorted, and the captain to be rolling come playoff time. 

Washington Capitals: Keep doing what you are doing Washington. In the thick of things, playing fairly consistent, solid goaltending and OV has been OV. Once again the regular season will lead to a playoff appearance. Will this be the year for playoff dominance? 


A December update in the books. A some teams coming along as thought, some not so much. And yes a few disappointments so far…

Come on Oilers, winter is coming, and that toque is warm!!

-Gilmore